Malcolm Turnbull has given $50 million to Wine Australia and below is how Wine Business Magazine’s editor sees it being spent.
We spent $8m on a feasibility study to work out how to spend the remaining $42m. We spent $3m on a risk analysis, leaving $39m. A consultant charged $6m to tell us what to do with the $33m we had left and he came down from the hill to shoot the wounded after the battle was over. A lawyer robbed us of $2m, which left $31m. We upsized the core competencies for our paradigm shift and invested $3m in a millennial generational expert, a coffee cake authority and two barnyard masturbators. We got buy-in, drilled down and ran it up the flagpole. We spent $1m on a business coach and had a team-building day in Nimbin to build trust and we held hands and sang Koombaya. That left $25m. Having all this marketing money and no marketers, we paid a UK recruitment firm $6m to conduct an exhaustive global search for a $3m marketer and the successful applicant worked three cubicles down from the Wine Australia CEO in Kent Town. That left $18m. We spent $2m on an integrity unit and $3m on a financial advisor who referred us to the integrity unit, leaving $13m. The Riverland always cracks the shits about being left out, so we shut them up with $3m to turn the Big Orange into the Big Grape, leaving $10m. We gave $7m to Wolf Blass for a bloody-fuggen world tour to repeat the best PR trick ever – paging himself at international airports. “Would Mr. Wolf Blass of Aussie wine – the greatest wine in the world – please come to the Emirates counter?” That left $3m, which was spent on a Senate Inquiry into how we blew $50 million with nothing to show for it. – Ed